At first, I wasn't going to share this with anyone. I recently opened up and told a few of my close friends ONLY but now I've decided to post this on my blog because my story may help someone else who feels or has felt the same way.
I just came out of a dark, deep depression that I was in for months since November 07. See, coming from a background of repeated childhood sexual abuse and an alcoholic parent, I struggle with inner demons. For the most part, I'm happy but if things don't go like I expect, I can fall into a funk and my faith waivers.
Last year in September, I lost my job. I was cool with it because that wasn't a good environment for me. Not having a steady income, I quickly tried to get some government support until I could get on my feet again. For whatever reason, I hit a brick wall with every effort. I couldn't get ANYTHING! My bank account was dwindling down and by Christmas I was near broke. I couldn't even afford a tree or presents for my son. Miraculously, a friend of mine that I hadn't seen in a while stopped by on Christmas to give me a card. When I told him what I was going through, he gave me some money to help me out. Then a week later, he gave me some more money, and he kept on trying to give me money whenever I saw him but I knew he wanted something more in return. I love him dearly as a friend but if I kept taking his money, he would expect for me to be in a romantic relationship with him and I didn't want that to be the reason I'd be with him so I distanced myself. And the money that he gave me eventually ran out.
Also at the time, I was trying to get distribution for a film I had been working on for a long time. I got several offers but these distribution companies didn't want to offer any money upfront so my partner who had invested money in the film didn't want to take any of those deals. Now I was stuck with a film that was sitting on a shelf. So by the end of the year everything hit me hard! I questioned myself, I questioned God...wondering why I have spent 10+ years paying my dues in the entertainment business and the fruits of my labor had not paid off. I thought to myself, if I had known that all the work and time and dedication spent on my career wasn't going to happen, then I could've spent those precious years in another field that would pay off like nursing or teaching or something. Why did I choose to be an artist and work at it for such a long time? For what? For nothing. I was very, very disappointed in what life dealt me.
By January 08, I sunk even deeper in a black hole. I spent my time looking for work but not finding anything, sleeping and crying alot because of the career let-down. I withdrew. I wouldn't call anyone or answer my cell phone or emails. I didn't have the strength to get on myspace or to blog like I like to do because I had absolutely nothing to say. I would literally meditate and pray to God over and over that I would die. Thoughts kept racing through my mind daily to just kill myself and get it over with. I even went into my medicine cabinet a few times and grabbed a bottle of pills, poured it in my hand to take them. Then I'd put them back and put suicide off for one more day. I'm not sure why I put it off but I did. Sometimes, I'd look at cars driving by and tell myself to just jump in front of one. This was a really ugly depression and I hadn't felt that low in years. I knew I should've talked to someone, reached out for help but I didn't want to because I really wanted to die. Plus, I didn't have health insurance since I was jobless so I suffered through my depression alone. It was just me and God and my horrible thoughts. I finally told my mom and she urged me not to do it and to remain here for my son. She assured me that if I hang on, things would get better. I guess my son was enough to keep me here even though I wanted to do it so I held on because of him. Although I rationalized to myself that he'd be alright eventually since he has his loving father in his life. I felt that yes, people love me and they would be hurt that I committed suicide but life goes on so they'd get over it.
Then finally in February, I found a job through a temp agency. At least I was getting a steady paycheck but I still had suicidal thoughts. The only times I didn't think about killing myself was when I was at work because my mind was occupied or when I was asleep. I really felt like a failure!!! Others may not understand but it's tough when you want something so bad but it just doesn't happen. I began to ensure myself that it's okay if my entertainment career doesn't work out. My career doesn't determine who I am as a human being. I have alot to offer the world whether through artistic expression, the friendship and love I give or the kindness I extend to people. NINA the woman is bigger than a career in entertainment.
Sometime in May this year, I began to feel stronger and the suicidal thoughts went away. I work for an awesome company and they think I do a great job because I work hard and excel at what I do. I work at an advertising agency and I like it. There's room for advancement at the company. We have a broadcast commercial division so I'm trying to move into that department soon. My supervisor just told me that she talked with the broadcast dept. last week and told them that if a position opens up, they should really consider me because I'm good at many things and reliable. I love production PERIOD whether I'm working in film, on commercials, TV, or events, I'd be happy.
Last week, I ran into a friend who works in distribution and he talked to me about putting my film on this big internet streaming video company where the filmmakers share in the profits so that's what I'm going to do as I first step to getting the film out there. I'm not quitting! I feel rejuvenated, inspired, and hopeful again.
I'm glad I didn't kill myself. I rode the storm and things turned out alright. I'm better now. I can pay my bills, I have money left over in the bank afterwards, I'm comfortable, I have a great job and life is okay! So the motto to my story is you never know what's around the corner, hang on and get better!
My favorite song right now is by Marvin Sapp called "Never Would Have Made It" It's very encouraging for encouragement! This song is my shiznittt right now because it fits what I feel. Thank you God!
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